Do you suffer from chronic neck cricks?
Do you have carpel tunnel?
Do you think you’re suffering from a Vitamin D deficiency?
Does your back hurt from sitting in an uncomfortable chair for 8 to 9 hours a day?
Have you developed wanderlust due to excessive use of the Travel category on Pinterest?
Did you forget that the sun and blue skies existed?
Do you sometimes lie to people on the phone or in person just so they will leave you alone and stop asking stupid questions?
Has your ability to deal with bullshit hit a record low?
Do you ever think of throwing that uncomfortable desk chair out the window just to get fresh air?
Do small and insignificant things make you irrationally angry?
Do you get so angry that you actually get a headache or stomach ache that can only be relieved with copious amounts of vodka and Netflix?
DO YOU KEEP WONDERING WHERE ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING PENS HAVE GONE?
If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, then you too may be suffering from Desk Peon Syndrome. Desk Peon Syndrome is a chronic illness that results from what feels like infinite paper shuffling, computer staring and the day-to-day grind of working with other human beings in an office setting.
If you or someone you know is suffering from DPS and deals with the general public on a daily basis, then contact your bartender immediately.
To cure DPS, get out of your office and live YOUR FUCKING LIFE.
Side effects of DPS may include: irritability, irrationality, no-fucks-itis, the inability to find a working pen, the deep hatred of people in general, the inability to convince yourself to get out of bed in the morning for a measly paycheck, the need to consume alcohol and junk food, road rage, astigmatism, and the herps.
Remember, DPS is curable by living your life and remembering that a crappy job ends the moment you step foot outside.